Last week, I took the advice of my brilliant fella and delved into the world of writing deeply personal blogs. I started with this post, called "I'm Falling In Love With a Meat Eater." I knew it would be a little controversial, given that I've been vegan for about 25 years, and this is the first time I've ever dated a non-veg man. However, as I stated in that article, it's also the first time I've had the kind of relationship I've always wanted but never had.
One of the things I mentioned in the article (and talked about on my Periscope channel) was that I'd written a "Wish List." Have you heard of those? In alignment with the whole vision board thing, a Wish List is a list of things you desire in a partner.
So, let's back up for a minute here . . . Although I spend much of my time talking about the amazingness of great vegan food and writing cookbooks, I'm also really into the spiritual side of things. I run a women's holistic weight loss group called Be Radiant, where we focus mainly on inner work. I meditate. I put daily effort into co-creating the life I want. I believe in magic and the goodness of the Universe. I also believe that we live in a "YES Universe" that says "YES!" to what we focus on and what we desire.
The longer I live, the more I not only believe this stuff, but live it. I can now look back on old relationships and honestly say that, while imperfect, I did get what I asked for - and was open to. As I mentioned in my "I'm Falling in Love with a Meat Eater" article, I've been married twice. Before meeting my first husband, one of my must-haves was someone who was skilled at extreme outdoor sports. I got what I asked for, but as it turned out, his ability to scale iced waterfalls in January didn't make for a deeply compatible partnership.
Before meeting my second husband, I'd revised my "Wish List" to include more of what I wanted. However, there were still many vital items I'd left out (such as great communication). Honestly, I think at the time I was less open than I am now to really getting what I want. Maybe I didn't totally feel like I deserved it? Maybe I didn't think someone like Jim (my current fella) existed? Maybe a combination of the two. Anyway, I once again got what I asked for, but the lack of healthy communication made for a short relationship, despite our compatibility in the kitchen.
I'm also a big believer in getting to a happy place after a breakup - before even thinking of diving into another relationship. The summer my second husband and I broke up was a rough time for me. I cried, I dealt with the feelings of loss, anger, and sadness - and I grew. And then . . . I got happy again. I got ME back. I was my old joyful self, but even stronger from the experience. And when I felt ready to be open to another relationship, I made another Wish List.
This time, I reaaaallllly wanted it to be different. After two "failed" marriages (I don't actually believe in failure if we learn from our experiences), I wanted the next relationship to last. I wanted to write a Wish List that covered ALL the bases. I was willing to ask for what I really, really wanted - and to be single if that person didn't show up. I also decided (and I think this one might be pretty important) that I would be HAPPY single. In fact, just as happy single as I would be in a relationship.
As Jim said to me last night: "It was so important to me to meet someone who was happy on her own, so that we could co-create a healthy, happy relationship from two happy people." OK, that wasn't EXACTLY what he said, but I wasn't taking notes, and that was totally the gist of it. Jim says some pretty cool stuff. I love that we both get how important it is to keep our selves happy and fulfilled, and not depend on each other to do that. It creates so much space for a healthy relationship!
OK so how about that list? What did I put on it? A LOT, I tell you! It was a very long list. However, every item on it was deal-breaker material. For example, #45 was "if he has kids, he's an amazing dad." And #23 was "very thoughtful and considerate." Another key point was "Excellent communication skills. A give and take of listening and talking - and the ability to be comfortable together in silence." Yeah, I got specific. But all of those things are pretty key for me.
Do you know what WASN'T on my list? Superficial stuff. I didn't say how tall he had to be, or what color his hair needed to be. However, I did specify one key thing: I had to be naturally attracted to him. I don't know if you've ever done this, but in the past, I've occasionally tried to force myself to be attracted to certain men. I've done the whole "He's suuuuch a great guy, and he's good looking, so I should be attracted to him. I'll give it some time."
So, yeah, that never worked for me. Not once. I'm starting to think there's a lot to chemistry. Just plain old chemistry. We're attracted to who we're attracted to for a reason. Of course, there needs to be MUCH more than physical attraction, but if we don't have that, it makes it pretty hard to be in an authentically romantic relationship. With Jim, it was there from the moment I saw him. I was like "Um yeah... that works for me. Oh yeah." Which is a whole other story - how we met. I'll tell that one soon. : )
So, make that list! Ask for what you really want! Make the list specific, but not limiting. Don't box yourself in with unnecessary details. ALLOW the Universe to do its magic and deliver perfection to you! Be OPEN to getting exactly what you want. And then trust that your goodness is coming to you in perfect timing. Because timing is SO important. Both people have to be in just the right space in order for it to work.
Sometimes when we think we aren't getting what we want, it's just because the timing isn't right. Maybe your magic man needs another month to become 100% healed from a past relationship so he can make room in his heart for you. Or maybe he's just traveling, who knows? But don't doubt the process. Just get clear on what you want, ask for it, and then make the space to receive. You know what? That last sentence was so important, I'm going to repeat it again . . . Just get clear on what you want, ask for it, and then make the space to receive. Keep that space open. Create that void. Be happy in your own life, and love the crap out of yourself. Know that you deserve the best.
Because you do.
I'll blog more on this soon - it's a really fun topic for me! I'm also planning to do a Periscope with Jim soon. Be sure to follow me there (@tesschallis) for live videos about this subject, as well as on my other passions (for delicious vegan food, health, and more). And please comment below, and share this article if you're moved to do so. : )
Thanks so much for stopping by!